Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
