What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
