Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
