God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
