how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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