Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
