i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
