Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
