I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
