I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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