haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
