Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
