you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
