I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
