Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
