If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
