I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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