just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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