Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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