I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
