oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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