Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
