you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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