Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
