Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
