I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
