I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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