I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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