I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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