if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
