yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
