i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
