I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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