You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
