put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Fuck appropriateness.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
