I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
