You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
