i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
