Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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