eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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