so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
