There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
