I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
