can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
