I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
