yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
