Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I have feelings that need drinking.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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