Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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