Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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