Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
found the other keg... it's in the tree
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
